(Washington DC) In an unprecedented and shocking news conference, the Federal Trade Commission (FTC) spokesperson, Will Cheatham, said that the 2018 elections may need to be cancelled due to numerous fraud violations. “Every year, we get several complaints about fraudulent campaign promises but this year, it was off the charts. Since many politicians have said that the government should be run like a business, we are going to do just that. We are going to regulate the government just like a private business would be regulated.”
The FTC will be enforcing the Truth In Advertising Act on political speech, especially from the politicians themselves. Sources say that some investigators are having a hard time because experienced politicians never really make any specific claims. “It’s like… just words coming out their mouths. There is no clear message. [It’s] Only sounds and changes in inflection designed to elicit a response from audiences.”
The complaints are so numerous, the FTC is diverting resources from the divisions that usually investigate price fixing, price gouging, and price collusion to the Campaign Promise Fraud Task Force. Other agencies are even joining the investigation or sending investigators to help. “We normally have to really take a good look to find fraud but this time is different. Most of it is so blatant. In fact, many investigators have started trying to find some truth in there.” said Dr. Fu Ling Yu, chair of the Political Science Dept. at Georgetown and a consultant in this case.
Special task forces have been set up to look into individual politicians or political factions. Bernie Sanders, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, and everybody running as democratic socialists have been taken into custody for questioning regarding their economic policies and promises of democratic socialism bringing equality and prosperity to all. A skimming of the Tuttle Twins books shows their claims to be erroneous, at best.
Other task forces are investigating republicans for their promises to abolish Obama Care and protect gun rights. After the elections, most have doubled back on those promises and made excuses for why it did not happen but are continuing to campaign on that promise for the future. There will be no investigations into false claims of fiscal responsibility or fidelity to the constitution as those promises are rare and not even given lip service anymore.
A team of investigators is looking into the Clintons but could not be reached for comment.
“With this being the most important election of our lifetimes since the last election and until the next one, it is imperative that we clean things up and ensure honesty in the democratic process.” said Mr. Cheatham at a question and answer session. He continued, “If government was a consumer product, it would have been yanked off the shelves a long time ago.”
Dr. Fu Ling Yu also compared the American Campaign Promise Scam to the Nigerian Email Scam. “The victims of both are easily duped. The scammers appeal to the desire to get something from somebody else for doing nothing or very little. Although all the groups use this method, the democratic socialists have mastered it and use it as the main weapon in their arsenal. It’s very effective until it’s time to deliver the goods.”
In a related story, OSHA is rethinking its role and is contemplating shutting down the wars abroad. “The number of civilians killed in drone strikes at weddings, hospitals, and schools exceeds the allowable limit for collateral damage.” a high level source has told us.
UPDATE: The elections will go on as scheduled. The next congress will be responsible for writing the laws that restrict their legal ability to lie to the public when they run for reelection in 2, 4, or 6 years.
“Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want,
and deserve to get it good and hard.” -H. L. Mencken