The CDC has announced that there have been no COVID-19 deaths since President Biden took his oath of office earlier today. In fact, the last COVID-19 death was at 4:57 am EST, just 3 minutes before the soon to be president awoke for his big day. That 4:57 am death was Trump’s fault.
Dr. Fu Ling Yu, of the CDC said he is cautiously optimistic about this development. “We are very hopeful that this will be a trend and not just a fluke,” he said in a press briefing. “With the vaccine being distributed, a president that takes the threat seriously, and the WHO recommending that the cycle count be reduced in the PCR tests, things are looking pretty good.”
Dr. Anthony Fauci has been reviewing the data and agrees with the CDC assessment. “We are still seeing the same number of deaths but people are dying from heart disease, diabetes, influenza, pneumonia, and car crashes now.” He also noted that things are improving in the nursing homes. “Over one hundred elderly patients with COVID-19 died today but, they all died of their multiple underlying health conditions and definitely not from COVID-19.”
Dr. Fu Ling Yu said that he has already seen the numbers for the next few days and he is certain that the American public will be elated when they see them too. He further cautioned, “This is not a time for complacency. People must continue wearing masks and social distancing. If you have a small business that is somehow still surviving, just finish it off.”
The Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, was very happy with these findings. “This is very good news. This is the type of leadership that we can expect out of a Kamala Harris administration. As a measure of caution, it will be prudent to provide at least one more relief package for corporate America to ensure that they are able to provide the necessary goods and services to our citizens. And we will be providing the public with a generous Universal Basic Income downloaded monthly to the microchips they will all have implanted over the next month.”