On Tuesday night of this week, the first presidential debate of the 2020 election cycle was aired. Chris Wallace, with some help from former Vice President Joe Biden, took on the sitting President, Donald Trump.
The public response ranged from arguing over whether it was a shit show or dumpster fire to, “My candidate won but the other candidate was creepy, senile, and constantly interrupted!” This response has broken down party barriers to bring the politicians together in fear that the public may not be taking the election seriously and losing faith in government.
The Commission on Presidential Debates met with the Federal Election Commission yesterday morning to come up with solutions to public dissatisfaction. After dismissing the idea of using behavioral modification medications due to possible negative interactions with the cognitive enhancing medications, the commissions decided on putting adults on stage to provide some good behavior to get the viewing public to believe that the presidency still matters and that there are two viable options available.
Wallace has come under fire for his dual role as the moderator and debate participant. The future debates will be moderated by Samuel L Jackson reprising his Jules Winfield character. When a participant speaks out of turn, Jackson will stop them by shouting, “I don’t remember asking you a God damned thing!”
The spokesperson for the commissions, Fu Ling Yu, announced at a press conference, “The sanctity of the presidency has been diminished over the past couple decades and we fear that another debate that looks like an episode of The Jerry Springer Show could be the final nail in the coffin. People are starting to believe that they don’t need a president to run the country and guide the economy anymore. They are starting to believe that they can make their own decisions and let others run their own lives.” He continued, “The decision to put people on stage that can act like adults is to show that not everyone involved in politics is as unhinged as the two that the public will choose from to be the most powerful man in the world.” When asked about giving third party candidates an opportunity to speak and be heard, he said, “We want to stay on message and the best way is to not have any conflicting messages. Such an extreme option is not even considered as a last resort.”